I Lied —

Or rather, I forgot.

I had intended to share this little anecdote last night and was so concentrating on the hiatus that I completely forgot to share.

Okay, so I told you about the AWOL hotdog, Cujo the night he died and the phantom antacids.

(Speaking of antacids, our family has been sharing a nasty little virus (not nearly as bad as the rotovirus we got when Linny was just a baby) that has plagued us for days.)

Well, Julie has had two "supernatural" experiences since then that have given me pause about the situation.

(I put supernatural in quotes because the first can be easily explained away, but the second, not so much.)

The first happened while she was sleeping. She dreamt that Larry and his buddies were bird hunting in their backyard. It was just one of those Life As It Was dreams that Warren Zevon wrote about.

I'm forgetting all the details, but basically, she was in one of those "in between" states of sleep where you imagine things seeing something or hearing something (which is what could explain what happened). In any case, she thought she heard someone enter and felt somebody sit on the bed.

She knew it couldn't be her dogs (three dogs, two are enormous hunting dogs) because they were penned in the living room with gates. So, she assumed it was one of her kids and she turned to say something and found no one.

Again, it could have been one of those "in between" dream states, but it really gave her peace of mind, so who am I to question what really happened, ya know?

Oh, before I say the second thing, her mom had a strange incident occur. She went with her other daughter (Julie's sister) to Aldi's, where a friend of Larry's is manager. Larry often said that most of his friends kind of disappeared once the cancer hit, but Kevin and a few others stuck around, so I could see why, if Larry was going to send a message from the other side, he'd do so around one of the guys who stuck by him to the end.

Anyway, something critical to know is that Julie's mom is... how do you say? Proper. A little domineering. And bored. (As both Veronica and Julie would describe her). And one of her little idiosyncrasies is that she never uses the radio. When she drives somewhere it's in total silence, which was torture to V and Julie when they were kids.

And Julie's mom and sister drove, as always, to the store in silence. But when they left Aldi's and got in the car, the radio was cranked all the way up.

Which is kind of funny because Julie's mom had not always been pleasant to Larry during the 20 years they were together. So, the fact that Larry could kind of screw with her in the afterlife makes me smile.

Again, could be explained away by some kind of malfunction of the equipment, but the coincidences are adding up for me.

The last incident is the one that really makes me smile.

Whoa, we're listening to "Moon Struck One" from Cahoots by The Band and just as I wrote the previous sentence, they sang, "Julie was my sweetheart."

That makes me smile.

So, Julie was in her room one night watching TV. She hung up his coat and went to the bathroom and when she returned, the two lamps in her room were off, but the TV was on.

She knew the lights were on when she left because the lamps were on the other side of the room from where she hung up his coat, which is by the door. And after she hung up the coat, she looked at a minute. If it were dark she couldn't have seen it.

Personally, I'm about 75% convinced that Larry is on the other side trying to send us little messages.

Whatever the truth, it has helped Julie, I think. She seems to be doing a little better every day.

So, I wanted to share that, and I also wanted to share that in keeping with my philosophy of severing the past, I'm going to retire this version of Atchka! and all of its brief history of earnest self-education, accidental shitstorms, shameless self promotion, slug fucking, obnoxious opining, fruitless MST proselytizing and rampant, pro-diet, fat-hating Fatosphere heresy.

I'm not deleting it. It will still exist as atchka.blogger.com (I assume... I'll link to it once I have the new site up and running). I'll certainly be linking to it.

But while we're creating a new blogosphere option for Fat Acceptance, we may as well clean house of all the negativism that existed in the past between the big tenters and the fundamentalists.

I think Elizabeth said it best:

But (the part where I really make trouble) is in my belief that Fat Acceptance is limiting itself by telling people how they should live their lives.

The perspective presented by many FAers is "you can't be a part of our movement if you don't follow our rules (by not dieting) and believe what we believe (that fat isn't unhealthy.)" That is a negative position and one I don’t see as inviting.

As compared to the POSITIVE position of "I want you to help me fight for my rights, regardless of what you believe or how you live your life, because I don't deserve to be treated like a second class citizen."

So, this is an attempt to start a new branch of Fat Acceptance. A branch that says, "You don't have to think like me to be on my team." A branch that says, "I trust that with the right tools, you can create your own safe space." A branch that says, "I'm not going to accuse you of fat hating or supporting a fat hating culture just because your opinion of dieting is different than mine." A branch that says, "You do your thing and I'll do mine, baby."

A branch that doesn't put more emphasis on the activist over the struggling fat girl who is attempting to shed a lifetime of media, social and internalized messaging about her body. A branch that doesn't exclude voices. A branch that doesn't discriminate against itself.

I know there are those who find it odd that the guy who posts a syphilitic dick could even suggest such a branch, but the thing about drama is that it causes those who get caught up in the drama to lose sight of the long-term goals in favor of short-term rewards.

That is, it was more personally satisfying to lash out at those who pissed me off than to say, "If people want to be assholes, let them be assholes. I'll take the high road."

So, we'll try to steer clear of the drama in this new endeavor (though a little drama now and then is bound to erupt, as it does in any healthy, robust community, which, if nothing else, the Fatosphere was) and address it... um... maturely (I'm lecturing myself on this one).

Anyhow, this is no longer a hiatus, but a farewell (for now).

Feel free to spread the rumor that Atchka! is gone for good because we all know that they don't actually going to read what I write.

(Although I just read the last comment there and... wow... cool.)

Besides, I've been banished from cooler clubs.

Radio Silence —

First of all, let me take a minute to apologize for posting the syphilitic dick.

Inappropriate, to say the least.

But at the peak of wrath, I'm capable of profound cruelty. And that's exactly what I felt like inflicting: profound cruelty.

silentbeep asked on Bri's post in response to my inquiry as to the rule I violated that prompted my removal without explanation or warning (as well as asking where all these insinuations that I was "promoting dieting" were based on).

I spoke of my own belief that if I were to go on a diet for my health, that I thought I would lose weight. Am I dieting? No. I'm trying to practice HAES in increments, but there are still some issues that prevent me from diving in whole-heartedly.

But if you actually read it, you'll notice everything is couched in ifs:

• "If I, personally, changed my diet and exercise habits, that I think I could lose 'a lot of weight.'"
• "If I was to change my diet and exercise habits it would be out of fear of my heart health more than anything."
• "If I had the time and motivation, I could change my lifestyle and, I believe, I would lose weight."
• "My guest thinks she could lose half her body weight, if she were properly motivated."

And, what I feel is the most important message:

Anyway, my personal opinion on dieting is that it is a personal decision and if you are dieting because you are concerned about your health, even if it is a misguided and, ultimately, fruitless quest, then you are still Fat Acceptance supportive. But if you're dieting because you think fat is ugly and if you just lost another 20, 30, 40 pounds, you'd be more attractive (successful, popular, whatever)... well, that seems less Fat Acceptance supportive.

Okay, so silentbeep asked, "Will you seriously be satisfied with whatever Bri tells you? I mean this honestly, not being snarky."

And the answer is, maybe.

I would have been most satisfied if she had given a reason with her initial email. Instead, she tried to make it sound like ZC and I were wanting to get kicked off. Like me and Sylvia and Bianca were just sitting around saying, "Man, what can we do to piss off the Fatosphere enough to get kicked off this piece of shit?"

What a passive-aggressive, mealy-mouthed way to give people the boot. If you're kicking me off because (despite previously agreeing to the Podbean arrangement and despite a nice, juicy trigger warning in red so as not to confuse people who thing "Trigger warning" was just a suggestion) you think I violated some rule, then tell me that.

Don't boot me and then post, "As is their prerogative, some bloggers aren’t willing to play by the guidelines established for the Notes feed."

At this point, I guess, no, I don't really give a shit what Bri says any more. Now it's more about this dishonest or deluded assessment of what I wrote about. Did you read all the comments?

Fuck, you'd think I was MeMe Fucking Roth or something.

No, I did not promote dieting (thank you, Elizabeth, for trying to set the record straight), I said what my personal, individual feels about dieting were. I neither promoted dieting for myself or for others. I simply commented on the odd dissonance that I felt when I think that if I went on a diet I could lose a lot of weight and the fact that it is nearly impossible to maintain that weight loss.

The fact that I'm not able to talk about that simple concept that seems so fundamental to the journey to Fat Acceptance.

Did you just go from one day saying, "If I went on a diet, I bet I could be [insert self-idealization here]" to "Dieting is a futile quest" in a single day? Was there no transition of feelings? And is speaking about that transition some kind of violation of Fat Acceptance?

Likewise, if you are deathfatz and you worry that your weight is contributing to whatever other health issues you have, so you contemplate dieting for health reasons... does that violate Fat Acceptance?

In short, do I have to be a perfect Fat Acceptor to be considered part of Fat Acceptance?

I don't think you do.

I think that we're all struggling to reach the truth about our bodies and that search for truth will lead you down any number of false starts, dead ends, half-truths and pure, unadulterated wrongness.

And at the start of each path is a person crying out, "Follow me, I have forged the path ahead!"

Those people are well-meaning and have no doubt that they have found the way to truth and are not shy in proclaiming it. But those people also tend to discourage people from saying, "Now wait a minute, I've been down that path before and I don't get it" or saying, "Yeah, but I found this other path over here that seems better."

That's what the Fatosphere has become. That person declaring with certainty, "These are the blogs that 'get it.' Follow them."

Even if you say the Fatosphere "is not representative of the entire Fatosphere or the entire Fat Acceptance movement" you're still championing a certain set of values that you think are more important than others to Fat Acceptance.

And, as Big Liberty commented, "However, I don’t rely on my feed for lots of FA talk — I rely on Bri’s feeds. And I applaud her for sticking by the guidelines she’s laid out to provide those of us who rely on the feeds a diet-talk-free, fatphobic-free, pro-weight-loss-free zone."

If you are the premiere FA feed, then the blogs you choose to include or not include can have a profound influence on how people think of Fat Acceptance.

And maybe that's not what Bri intends, but it has become that way.

So, maybe the problem wasn't Bri's rules or what sort of talk is and isn't allowed, but the lack of diversity in feeds.

The night before the Zaftig Chicks launched their new site, I had been thinking about creating a new feed that would allow a greater flexibility in FA blogs. One that would let people decide which taboo topics they were or weren't interested in reading. One that welcomed fat people from every corner of the fatosphere, regardless of what they believed or not.

I intended to inform Bri of my intentions and withdraw once the new feed was up and running. Tuesday morning I saw that ZC was withdrawing and decided to write them, and a few others, and see what they thought of a new feed.

Wednesday, I posted the third episode of On Hold, which was, supposedly, the impetus for (at least my) removal.

And the rest, as they say, is history.

Fat people face enough stigmatization without getting it in the Fatosphere as well. People keep bringing up Good Fatty/Bad Fatty, but as someone said (I can't find the comment, so if it's you, please pipe in because you're brilliant), we've gone from worrying about creating an atmosphere of Good Fatty/Bad Fatty to creating an atmosphere of Good Fat Activist/Bad Fat Activist.

It was the same sort of thing I felt when people complained about the term BBW for various reasons.

Well, what about all the women who think of themselves as BBWs and are proud of it? Are they Bad Fat Activists because they go to BBW/FA clubs and are interested in meeting guys who they find them sexually appealing?

Can you promote fat rights and still be infatuated with your own fat sexuality?

Or can you be only infatuated by your sexuality at this moment in your life with the eventual transformation into Fat Activist as well?

I mean, what the fuck is Fat Acceptance if not the creation of a world in which I get to choose how, what and why I want to be fat in this fat-hating world of ours?

And so, I've come to a decision.

Atchka! will be going down for the foreseeable future.

The time I would typically spend researching, reading, and cultivating topics for the blog, I'm going to invest in the new feed, which will also include the fucking Traveling Wilburys of Fat Acceptance.

If you are interested in contributing to such a site, please email me at atchka@hotmail.com. We have some of your favorite bloggers on board, but there's always room for more. I'll also be reaching out to a few bloggers I feel could contribute positively to this effort.

Likewise, if you would like to be added to the new feed, feel free to email me. Unless you are blatantly anti-fat, you will be given ample consideration by the committee (the contributing mega-bloggers). Or if you know of a little blog that doesn't get a lot of attention and should, let us know that as well.

And finally, once Atchka! emerges from its chrysalis, you're going to want to be there. Not only for the new feed and the kickass mother-lovin' Voltron of Fat Acceptance blogs, but for the fourth episode of On Hold, which I guarantee will knock your fucking socks off (so depending on how you feel about having your socks being knocked off, you may want to plan your outfit ahead of time).

Therefore, I would recommend that if these developments interest you in the least, that you join the On Hold feed, so you'll be the first on your block to hear the most fascinating two seconds of silence you'll ever listen too.

Don't worry, I'll still be hanging around, commenting on the blogs I enjoy, and generally making a nuisance of myself. But starting Monday, Atchka! is on hiatus.

Thank you to all those who are able to read with a grain of salt and, whether you agree with me or not, you at least understand that I'm not the fat-hating monster that people are trying to paint me as.

If I pissed you off, I hope you'll eventually forgive me for my quick temper and NSFW outbursts. I promise to be more responsible in the future (but can't promise that somebody, somewhere won't piss me off again).

Finally, for those who, like Red No. 3, think my point in writing about Fat Acceptance is to be "edgy" or start some kind of "revolution"... well, I really have no time for someone who thinks that questioning everything (including Fat Acceptance) is revolutionary.

If you want to accept everything anyone tells you simply because it's the ideology you wish to subscribe to, go for it. But I prefer to put everything I learn to the test and think for myself. If that's revolutionary, then by all means, ¡Viva La Revolución!

Because as my own personal hero, Joel Hodgson, has often said about the, oftentimes, obscure humor of Mystery Science Theater 3000: "The right people will get it."

Open Letter —

Dear Bri,
I have a simple question for you before I drop this whole deal. You say you had to kick me off to enforce the rules. Okay. One of those rules is no diet talk. Period. Okay. So, how do you justify the presence of Attrice (sorry Attrice, this isn't about you... I have nothing against your writing at all, I'm simply making a point).

She has blogged about how she wants to lose weight and why (which I'm okay with, by the way).

And just yesterday she wrote, "Many people see the two world views (that of a fat activist and dieter) as being diametrically opposed. But you know, in my life they aren’t."

That's not all.

Oh no, that's not all.

You responded, "Hey Attrice, Your approach sounds more like HAES to me than a traditional diet… even if you are eating less than you were before (which I believe often occurs when people stop and listen to their hunger cues)."

That's all well and good, but Attrice is actively losing weight and writing about it.

You simply said, "Oh no, that's not dieting, that's HAES" and all is well and good.

So tell me, Bri, how do you justify this hypocrisy?

(Again, Attrice, I'm really sorry for bringing you into it. I have nothing against your blog, your writing, or your interest in losing weight. I think there is room on the Fatosphere for the many, many viewpoints of Fat Acceptance.)

Adrenaline Rush —

The big interview is over.

I swear this is the last you'll hear about it until I release it.

However, let me just say that I am trembling from a heady mix of excitement, anger, frustration, and pure, unmitigated joy.

I don't know how I'm going to get anything done today, I'm so giddy.

I'm going to have to listen to it again and make sure it is as awesome as it felt afterward.

You guys are gonna fuckin' LOVE this.

Skorched Earth —

First, everyone take a deep breath with me and listen.

Alright, Supertramp should have injected all of you with a subliminal mellowing agent. We can step away from the ledge now.

I was pissed.

Seriously pissed.

But I'm getting better.

Thank you all for the encouragement (and even for the discouragement). I haven't had time to respond individually because I've been preparing for the interview tomorrow.

So, here's how it's got to be (from now on).

I've been here long enough that the people who don't like my writing, my style, my attitude, my certitude (whatever the hell it is about me that makes you thrilled that I got the boot), you go to hell. I'm not sure why you even visit Atchka! unless it's some sort of sick masochistic thrill you get out of reading blogs you hate.

I don't give a shit about you or what you think of me. I'm doin' my thing and I'm happy with what I'm churning out, so go jump in a fucking lake.

To those who enjoy my writing and/or understand why I'm pissed. Thank you for hanging with me during this transitional period. I promise that in the near future I will be working together with several of your other favorite bloggers to bring a new kind of Fat Acceptance to this little corner of the 'sphere.

Plans are in the works. And after this interview, I'll be setting aside more time to get the new project up and running. In the meantime, let's just putz around and enjoy our newfound freedom of expression, shall we?

And finally, to those curiosity seekers, drama lovers, Fatosphere completists and/or readers of fluctuating ambivalence: the outburst you witnessed was the result of months of tension building between two camps in the Fatosphere. Between those who believe it should be made safe place for all fat people and those who believe fat people can monitor their own safety.

I'm angry because it seemed like despite our differences, we had reached a sort of understanding. What I took away from Bri's rhetorical question, "would you rather I just removed you from the feed without any prior discussion or notice" was that she understood what a shitty thing that would be.

Because, yes, that is a shitty thing to do to somebody and not explain your reasoning.

To just say, "Ok, you knew this was coming and from my perspective it seems like you actually want this to happen" and that's that... well, that's crap.

No, I didn't want this to happen. What I wanted was to form a new feed and sever ties with the Fatosphere Feed amicably. I wanted to try my own thing and let Bri get on with overseeing the feed without my petty distractions. Yes, I knew we were a bad fit but not because the Fatosphere "simply was not the appropriate feed" for Atchka!

What have I done since joining the Fatosphere? I've created the "Obesity Doom" series, which lampoons the excessive correlation parade that anti-fat research keeps churning out; I've created the On Hold podcast and started contacting obesity experts to get a deeper understanding of the complex issue of obesity; I've compiled a much needed Fatosphere FAQ (after all the complaints about the horrible plight of bloggers being forced to repeatedly to explain 101 concepts to FA newbies); I've highlighted some of the women of size I admire with (periodically updated) features; I've compiled a list of the existing Fat Acceptance podcasts; and I've written extensive opinions and analyses about various articles on the War on Obesity from, what I consider, a skeptical and objective (albeit a novice) vantage point.

I'm not appropriate for the Fatosphere feed?

Fuck that, the Fatosphere feed wasn't appropriate for me.

I've gone out of my way to accommodate the new "75% fat content" rule, which (in my humble opinion) seems as arbitrary a measure of how "fat accepting" a blog is as BMI seems as arbitrary a measure of how healthy a person is.

I've been asked to explain my position on dieting, after posting my intention to interview Dr. Sharma, who has talked about dieting on his blog (yet does not promote dieting).

Bri's email after that post:

Can you talk me through where you stand on the whole weight loss thing in light of your proposed interview with the doc?

I just want to hear your point of view on this before I start getting my Inbox filled with complaints ; )

Which is fine. I was happy to oblige.

And yet, I'm still being accused of promoting dieting, along with other anti-FA rhetoric that I never said (incidentally, silentbeep, in that post I mentioned that other people claimed I was saying? Your insinuations were more about a lack of clarity on my part. The things Bri claimed I was saying were outright falsehoods).

In short, I feel like I was under greater scrutiny for my "heresy" than others considered "inappropriate" for the Fatosphere. Like, Sylvia and Bianca, for example.

How many times did they have to explain their stance on dieting? Or their belief that health is not a moral imperative?

Hell, Bianca even tried out for "The Biggest Loser" and barely a peep!

(Bianca, you'll always be the biggest loser in my book, baby!)

Which is why I think this has more to do with my penis than anything.

(Incidentally, that picture? Not my penis. And Anonymous Lady? That picture's not safe for anywhere, let alone work.)

Oh, Anonymous Lady. Firstly, I assume you're a lady because, quite frankly, that's 99% of my readership. Secondly, I assume you're the same person because both on Fat Lot of Good and my last post, you revel in the irony of my vitriol against vitriol.

See, the difference there is that the SP lackeys I referred to unleashed their vitriol at Sylvia and Bianca because they didn't like Bianca's form of unpacking privilege. Yet, I disagreed with Bri and silentbeep (and others), quite vehemently, over the course of five separate posts.

Not once did I resort to name-calling or questioning their FA legitimacy or the appropriateness of their opinions. I didn't tell them to go educate themselves before they dare form an opinion.

Only when I felt Bri pulled a shitty maneuver by kicking me off the feed without explanation and passive-aggressively shifting the responsibility to me (because we knew it was coming and deep down, we really wanted to get kicked off) did I open my can of highly-concentrated kickass.

(Incidentally, the tag "war" was added in reference to Bugs Bunny... "Of course you know, this means war.")

Oh, I can be an asshole to be sure.

But I choose to exercise said assholery on special occasions and birthday parties.

In any case, the damage is done, the bridge has been burned, and we can all go back to our nice, quiet little corners of the internet. Personally, I'm going to go back to my nice, quiet little pillow at the top of the bed because it's nearly 1:30 a.m. and I've gotta little bit o' ass to kick first thing tomorrow morning.

Mail Bag 4 —

Okay kiddies, gather round for letter reading time!

This one is unrelated to the other three Mail Bags, but equally (if not excessively) fun.

When I got to the office this morning and checked my email, this is what I found:

Hi Bianca, Syliva and Shannon,

Ok, you knew this was coming and from my perspective it seems like you actually want this to happen.

I have removed both of your blogs from the Notes feed. I know you are the Fat Liberation feed which is something I will be publicising on my own blog so that any Notes readers who want to continue reading your blogs, can access you via there
or by subbing specifically to your individual blogs.

You probably won't believe me but I wish you all well in your respective journeys.

cheers

Bri

Okey-dokey artichokey?

I started composing a response and, although I began with an attempt to hedge my criticism of the feed, I eventually said, "Fuck it." So, here is my response to Bri, in all its glory:


Um, why?

I posted the interview on PodBean, as you requested. I have put an incredible amount of warnings out there before posting the interview. And now, out of the blue, you ban us from the Fatosphere? What the fuck?

I was planning to withdraw from the Fatosphere in the near future anyway, but this... fuck this. This is ridiculous. This is you just swingin' your dick around like you're hot shit. You came onto my site and accused me of shit that I never said and never even implied. You continuously misrepresented me and twisted my words into a self-serving indictment of my inappropriateness for the Fatosphere. You've been riding my ass since Day 1 and for what?

Honestly, I have no idea.

Well, I have a theory. My theory is that I pissed off a lot of the Shapely Prose readers early on and when I got on the feed, they started contacting you and complaining how inappropriate I was. When I posted a *clearly* satirical piece on some of the absurd accusations leveled against Obama, you dropped me from the feed. And you've been threatening to do so ever since. I don't necessarily think you dislike me or my site, but I think you have been pressured by a lot of people who do not like me or my site and you're caving in on which issue again? Oh yeah, the post I didn't post on the Fatosphere.

So fuck the Fatosphere. Fuck every last one of you mother fuckers. You're more eager to protect your readers from open, fact-based discussions on the health risks of obesity than you were to protect them from the acrid tongues of SP lackies. They dragged their vitriolic brand of advocacy from their own little shithole and over to sites like Zaftig Chicks, where they called them every name in the fucking book. Even what's her fuck called them douchebags and you sat idly by.

But what did we do that was so offensive? Oh yeah, we were trying to be honest about the health implications of obesity.

OH GOD NO, SPARE THE CHILDREN!!!

I'm sorry, but I'm pissed. This is ridiculous. Fuck you, fuck your feed, fuck your readers, fuck the fuckheads who called for our heads on a platter. Fuck everything. You're all a bunch of deluded assholes anyway.

We're going to forge a new path for Fat Acceptance. One that allows readers who can think for themselves and don't need to be protected from some FUCKING WORDS.

Fuck you truly,
Shannon

Black Balls —

Cardinal Rule of Blogging: Never blog angry.

(Unless, of course, you write an angry blog or a super angry blog.)

Since beginning Atchka! last June, my intention was to create a happy, fun blog to chat about things like cheesy Christian music album covers, "Wow Wow Wubzy," slug fucking (still one of my most popular search terms (I'm number two!), which, I've just learned, is slang for having sex with a pre-op tranny with a non-working penis), and our anus.

Once I was finally admitted to the Fatosphere, I tried to buckle down and be a good and productive member. I was booted once for a satirical post listing all the ridiculous accusations that were being leveled at Obama at the time, including how his step-mother practiced Santeria in the White House and how his grandfather was a cannibal.

Ever since then, there's been a steady parade of offended commenters (most of whom I responded to directly, but heard nothing from since). Hell, there's even one case where someone dropped the Fatosphere feed because of me!

I have to say that none of this is a surprise to me. I guess I have a divisive personality that drives certain people insane.

It's funny because I first met Veronica at a BBW/FA club in St. Louis called Ample Romance. She was one of the women in charge of the club, as well as a moderator on their Yahoo! group.

When I started getting involved, I'd go on the Yahoo! group and somebody would mention something political and I'd have to respond (because I love political discussions). It would inevitably spur a strong reaction in other people and suddenly a flame war would break out (like the passive voice?).

I wasn't consciously seeking to be a shit disturber. It's just my nature. I speak my mind and rarely pull my punches. So, I didn't really understand why everyone was taking it so personally. Same question, different day: can't we disagree without getting our feelings hurt?

So, V and I dated a bit when I first moved back to St. Louis and we'd go out to eat and we'd inevitably discuss the latest fracass on the boards and how much she wished I just wouldn't comment. We only dated a few weeks, then split up for almost two years before getting back together again.

It was when we got back together again that she told me how much she hated seeing my name beside a comment on the boards because she knew she'd have to spend the rest of her evening fielding complaints about me from other members.

She just wanted me to shut the fuck up.

And this is the woman who married me!

So, I get it. I understand that my communication style, my über-opinionated outspokenness, my inability to leave well-enough alone. I'm brash, noisy, irritating. I get all that.

What I don't get is this need to protect the Fatosphere from me.

What I don't get is turning a blind eye to one blogger publicly calling another blogger a douchebag (which, if I had done, would no doubt have been twisted into some sort of anti-woman rant).

What I don't get is that after providing warning after warning after warning about the nature of the post and receiving reassurance after reassurance after reassurance that linking to the interview would not be a violation of the Fatosphere rules, I was STILL booted.

And so, here I am, dropped into a virtual isolation tank. The crickets are chirruping, my stats are plumetting, and I'm left feeling a great deal of animosity toward a bunch of faceless, nameless, whiny critics who don't have the testicular fortitude to confront me AND answer my response (obviously, I'm not referring to Bri here).

But as my new favorite shirt that I got for Christmas says:

(Not me, obviously.)

I guess to a certain extent, I'm relieved. I don't have Big Fat Brother breathing down my neck any more. I can explore the topic of Fat Acceptance on my own terms and not from the confines of the Fatosphere leash.

And, oddly enough, two nights ago I had an idea for a new feed and the next morning I read that Sylvia and Bianca are leaving the Fatosphere. Coincidence? So, I started kicking around the idea with a few other bloggers, explaining how pissed I was about Bri's threat. A few rational people calmed me down and I made the decision last night that I would email Bri today of my intent to create a new feed and to withdraw from the Fatosphere, since we didn't seem like a good fit any more.

So, if I was planning to withdraw anyway, why am I still so pissed?

It's the principle of the thing. You don't tell someone, "Oh, yeah, go ahead and link to the interview. You'll be fine," then kick their ass off because, why?

No reason given.

Yet I do consider this yet another incident of synchronicity. And so, I will be moving forward with the new feed, as well as some nifty little side projects to go along with it. I won't go into any more detail until we get closer to the releasing the new feed.

That being said, I invite you to add Atchka! to your RSS reader so you don't miss any of the latest hijinks. Including the big interview that will take place tomorrow.

Other than that, I just have one message for all those who have been wishing and hoping that this day would come.

KISS MY POCKED AND PIMPLED CLOTH-DIAPERED SUMO ASS YOU BUNCH OF WHINY ASS BABIES

AND A SYPHILITIC DICK FOR GOOD MEASURE!

(I have removed the picture of the syphilitic dick because I posted it in anger and I am no longer angry. If, for some sick and twisted reason you need to see a syphilitic dick, you can find it here.)

On Hold III —

I now know why the Rule of Three kept coming up yesterday.

I listened to the entire episode and realized there was something in the final product yesterday that had to be removed. If I had left it in, it would have incited a significant amount of rage, I'm sure. Basically, it was one of those jokes that wouldn't have been taken as a joke by some people.

So, I sure am glad I wasn't able to post it yesterday.

The odd thing is, I tweaked this episode and went to upload it and, what do you know, it went through the first time, no problem. And the previous two nights I kept having to restart the upload from scratch on our super-slow connection because the Mac kept saying that the "pipeline" was broken.

I considered calling Sarah Palin.

Anyhow, even with that removed, I'm still afraid that this interview is going to piss people off.

Which is a great place to insert:

TRIGGER WARNING

In this episode, we talk about theoretical dieting and the health risks of being fat. But even more important, we talk about disordered eating a lot in the second half.

Now, the part I'm worried will piss people off is the fact that I say that if I, personally, changed my diet and exercise habits, that I think I could lose "a lot of weight."

This may come as a shock because I am so aware of the failure rate of dieting. But a few stipulations that weren't in the interview: first, if I was to change my diet and exercise habits it would be out of fear of my heart health more than anything.

As previously stated, I have a strong history of heart disease and my current lifestyle is probably exacerbating that. I don't think my weight is a factor for heart disease, but I think that my lifestyle is a factor for my weight. So, I still believe that if I had the time and motivation, I could change my lifestyle and, I believe, I would lose weight.

Would I get thin? I don't think so. But I'd be closer to 200 than 300. That's just my personal opinion.

Likewise, my guest thinks she could lose half her body weight, if she were properly motivated. But there are complicating factors, which we discuss.

Anyway, my personal opinion on dieting is that it is a personal decision and if you are dieting because you are concerned about your health, even if it is a misguided and, ultimately, fruitless quest, then you are still Fat Acceptance supportive. But if you're dieting because you think fat is ugly and if you just lost another 20, 30, 40 pounds, you'd be more attractive (successful, popular, whatever)... well, that seems less Fat Acceptance supportive.

To me, health is the only issue that overrides Fat Acceptance. If you honestly fear that your health is jeopardized, nobody should judge you for the steps you take to improve it. And nobody should judge your method or motivation in achieving optimal health. It's your body, you dictate.

So, these are some of things I'm fearing a backlash from.

I know, I know, I worry too much. What's the worst that can happen?

Torches and pitchforks, anyone?

Another reason I'm worried is that this interview is much, MUCH different than the previous two interviews and, likely, will be unlike any other interviews I do in the future for reasons that will make themselves clear once you listen.

The difference isn't so much the interview subjects as it is the interview subject (for some reason I feel compelled to keep it a secret, hence the question marks (which I will replace in a few days) in the Podbean title). I'm much more relaxed and "myself" around her, so I'm less on guard to say things precisely or couch my comments carefully.

At the same time, I can't help being the irritating little shit that I am. Folks have gotten angry and irritated with me all my life, despite serious efforts on my behalf to not be so... whatever it is that pisses people off about me.

In the end, I've decided that my personality and attitudes, stemming from my upbringing and environment, as well as certain genetic factors (my dad is irritating too), are just not for everyone. People who like me or understand me are able to gloss over the indelicate turns of phrase I occassionally let slip. People who don't think I'm an unconscionable jackass will always think I'm an unconscionable jackass.

"Don't worry about them," people tell me.

I try not to, but I'm a people pleaser by nature. I want people to like me and will do almost anything to stay in their good graces.

I've got the competing urges of people pleasing and accidental asshole that are constantly undermining my ability to let it be.

So, I'm just going to post it, cross my fingers, and hope for the best.

I haven't talked to the subject about it yet, but I think she would be willing to answer follow-up questions from people if I contacted her. So, if something about what she says bugs you, put it on the comments on Atchka! and I will do my best to answer them.

And now, without further ado... Episode 3: On Hold with Atchka! and ???

Confirmation Bias —

The eagle has landed!

Remember my super-duper, hush hush, top secret interview?

We have a confirmed date and time.

Once more, I'm grinning like a fool.

Seriously, this is fucking amazing. I can't believe this is actually going to take place. And I think you'll be amazed to once the final product is released.

But first, I still have to figure out how to get this week's interview up and running.

*sigh*

All in all, a wonderful day indeed.

Technical Difficulties —

Okay, so after a long, frustrating ordeal, I finally got the third episode of On Hold with Atchka! uploaded. I wrote the blog post text, then went onto Podbean to listen to the final product.

There were a few glitches here and there, but nothing big...

Except that about ten minutes in, the interview started over.

"No biggie," I thought. "I'll just tell people to look out for it, clean it up tonight and repost."

Ten minutes later, the interview started over.

"Okay, that's weird," I thought. "But I could probably still post it. People will understand."

At the midway point, during the commercial break, it did it a THIRD TIME. So, now I'm freaking out for two reasons.

First, I was going to edit it and upload again from work (since this connection is more reliable), but can't get past our office's firewall.

But secondly, and more importantly, the text I had written for the blog accompanying the podcast is as follows (completely unedited, though I left the last part off because it was unrelated):

I've always had this "rule of three" thing that has served me fairly well.

Basically, if I was planning something, but could not properly execute due to three clear, distinct road blocks, then I should probably reconsider my plan.

In essence, I felt the rule of three was God communicating to me through synchronicity.

Does this make me a superstitious idiot?

Sure.

But it has served me well in the past. Or, I should say, it would have served me well in the past had I heeded the rule of three.

My favorite example was the time I was going to woo a girl the entire week of Valentine's Day with a secret admirer ploy. On Monday, I called her with my friend Emily and play REO's "Can't Fight This Feeling."



At the end, I whispered, "From your secret admirer" and hung up.

(I know, I know, creepy, but I was naive about how one woos.)

A minute later, the phone rang. Emily picked it up.

"Um, I have caller ID," my admiree laughed.

Still, we were calling from Emily's house, so I didn't think the jig was up. But that was just a minor hiccup.

The major hiccup came on Tuesday. I planned to deliver flowers to her school. Along the way, however, my powder blue '81 Ford Fairmont threw a rod and broke down on the highway, about eight miles from her school.

I should have gave up then.

Instead, I walked the eight miles and delivered the flowers, then walked back to a gas station to call my parents.

On Wednesday, I left a giant teddy bear for her outside of youth group with a note for her, but it disappeared.

Nobody knew where it went. It was just gone.

Three seeming obstacles to executing my secret admirer plan. Three warnings that I should have stopped while I was ahead (although having a secret admirer that never reveals his identity seems slightly creepier).

But I was not yet aware of the rule of three, so that Friday night (when I had planned to ask her out to dinner), Valentine's Day, I learned she had to work at Chuck E. Cheese's. So, I drove there and called Chuck E. Cheese and asked her to come out back, "Her chariot awaited." (Yeah, I was all kinds of cheese back then).

She came out and I had a single red rose and, I dunno, something else cliche. She squealed with delight and told me she hoped it was me and thought it was me. I thought, "Whew, this went better than the last three years I tried it." (throughout high school, I was desperate for a Valentine).

We didn't speak again until that Sunday, where she informed me that she had changed her mind. She was no longer interested me.

I never learned what had happened in the interim. I just knew I was devastated.

Looking back, if I had followed the rule of three, I might have saved myself a little heartbreak and a lot of money.

The reason I'm telling you this at the premiere of Episode 3 of On Hold with Atchka!? Because it took two long nights of coaxing, pleading, breath-holding, and a lot of restarting to successfully upload all 45 mb of the final audio file with our weakass internet.

So, my mental alarms are going off like crazy. This must be some kind of divine intervention to prevent me from posting a horrible podcast that will piss off and alienate everybody.

But, I've decided I'm going to post it (hopefully) tomorrow if I can. I listened to it and I really like most of it. There are just a few problem areas I can see coming back to bite me in the ass.

All apologies for getting your hopes up and then dashing them against the digital rocks. I'm guessing the problem was the multiple uploads to the server and, somehow, they got overlapped because I know the final I saved from Garageband was only 45 mb and the one in Podbean is over 100 mb. So, something went wrong in the upload.

Hopefully, I can remedy that tonight.

Anyway, congratulations to Sylvia and Bianca who released the New and Improved Zaftig Chicks website. It looks so good, I want to roll around naked on the fuzzy, green leopard skin wallpaper.

To Post —

Or not to post, that is the question.

First of all, I need to mention briefly in this post what may be triggers for some people, regarding eating disorders and dieting. Please be advised.

So, I did a very special interview this weekend, discussing issues of Fat Acceptance with a fat woman who disagrees with some of the viewpoints in Fat Acceptance.

Basically, I wanted to get her perspective because I think her story of the circumstances which she believes influenced her weight (basically, both of her parents had food-related weirdnesses that affected her future relationship with food).

In a nutshell, she believes she is fat because she eats too much due to her distorted relationship with food. But while talking about her personal story, we also discussed FA concepts, such as the idea that most people who diet will not be able to maintain their weight loss in the long-term. She believes that most people could control their weight, to some extent, if they put forth the effort.

She is also around 400 pounds and says that she believes that if she were properly motivated (and a primary motivating factor for her would be if she felt her life and health were in such danger that it would disastrously affect her relationship with her children and spouse) she could lose up to 200 pounds.

So, a lot of the things we talk about in the first half of the interview are going to piss some people off because they are not FA-friendly. Therefore, I have decided that I will post it only on my Podbean account with a link to it on Atchka!

But, I have to be honest, I'm afraid of posting it at all.

I'm afraid that if I post it, I will be seen as promoting an anti-FA message, when my intent is to spark further dialogue on the health issues of obesity.

I realize that FA is not synonymous with HAES or even "fat is fit." FA is about accepting your body for what it is and not attempting to "fix" it by making it thin, when all the evidence points to the reality that few fat people can make themselves thin (for long).

But I personally feel that within Fat Acceptance, we should be providing the resources for people, when and if they want them, to purse optimal health. To me, that includes a warts and all view of how obesity affects health.

And although this interview began as a probing of one woman's story, it detours into her opinion on the warts and all aspect of fat health.

So, I want to ask you, the reader: should I post this episode of On Hold with Atchka!? Or is it inappropriate to post something that may contain anti-FA (as in the opposite of, not against FA) sentiments?